When I Knew You Read online

  Table of Contents

  Synopsis

  What Reviewers Say About KE Payne’s Work

  By the Author

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  Other KE Payne Titles Available via Amazon

  Books Available from Bold Strokes Books

  Synopsis

  When Ash Wells and Nat Braithwaite are thrown together after seventeen years apart, old resentments and passions are rekindled. The days of their heady teenage relationship are long gone—or are they? As they put aside their differences to honor the memory of a friend, Ash and Nat learn that sometimes, to build a future, you have to be willing to let go of the past.

  What Reviewers Say About KE Payne’s Work

  365 Days

  “One of the most real books I’ve ever read. It frequently made me giggle out loud to myself while muttering, ‘OMG, RIGHT?’”—AfterEllen.com

  “Payne captures Clemmie’s voice—an engaging blend of teenage angst and saucy self-assurance—with full-throated style.”—Richard Labonte, Book Marks

  [email protected]

  “A fast-paced read [that] I found hard to put down.”—C-Spot Reviews

  “A wonderful, thought-provoking novel of a teenager discovering who she truly is.”—Fresh Fiction

  Another 365 Days

  “Funny, engaging, and accessible.”—Kirkus Reviews

  The Road to Her

  “A wonderful, heart-warming story of love, unrequited love, betrayal, self discovery and coming out.”—Terry’s Lesfic Reviews

  Because of Her

  “A must-read.”—Lesbian Fiction Reviews

  Once The Clouds Have Gone

  “Delightful and heart-warming, this sweet romance was everything a good romance should be.”—Prism Book Alliance

  When I Knew You

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  eBooks from Bold Strokes Books, Inc.

  http://www.boldstrokesbooks.com

  eBooks are not transferable. They cannot be sold, shared or given away as it is an infringement on the copyright of this work.

  Please respect the rights of the author and do not file share.

  When I Knew You

  © 2016 By KE Payne. All Rights Reserved.

  ISBN 13: 978-1-62639-563-3

  This Electronic Book is published by

  Bold Strokes Books, Inc.

  P.O. Box 249

  Valley Falls, New York 12185

  First Edition: March 2016

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

  Credits

  Editor: Ruth Sternglantz

  Production Design: Susan Ramundo

  Cover Design By Sheri ([email protected])

  By the Author

  365 Days

  [email protected]

  Another 365 Days

  The Road to Her

  Because of Her

  Once The Clouds Have Gone

  When I Knew You

  Acknowledgments

  My sincere thanks to Ruth Sternglantz and Susan Ramundo for making all my books look so wonderful, and to Cindy Cresap, Connie Ward, Sandy Lowe, and all the other wonderful people at BSB who work so tirelessly behind the scenes for us all. Also to Sheri for taking my picture idea and turning it into the beautiful work of art you see on the front cover.

  Thank you to Sarah Martin for being an amazing beta reader, and for explaining the finer details of shoulder dislocations to me! A big thanks to Mrs. D too for all her support and friendship.

  To BJ for tirelessly reading and rereading endless drafts with me, but mostly for all the love, laughs, and support.

  Finally, a massive thank you to all the readers who continue to buy my books and who take the time to contact me. I truly appreciate every email, Facebook comment, and Tweet that you send me. Your continued support is immensely important to me—thank you all so much.

  Chapter One

  Ash hadn’t seen her at first. But there she was, cutting through the crowd, the nausea of recognition hitting Ash when she spotted a brief glimpse of that familiar blond hair in amongst the throng of people. A dizziness of memories tightened the band across her chest when she heard a snippet of her adorable laugh filtering through the noise of the room, a laugh that Ash was once so at ease with, but which now reminded her of another time, bringing with it a thousand memories crashing around her.

  Ash was glad she hadn’t seen her at the funeral; it had been hard enough being there as it was, saying goodbye to Livvy, without having to cope with that as well. But now, here at the wake an hour after Livvy’s funeral, it was clear the day had decided to throw her one last unpleasant thing before it was finally done with her.

  Ash didn’t want to approach her, let alone talk to her. How would she even begin to start a conversation with her, after all this time? Hi, how are you? Remember me? The girl whose heart you broke all those years ago?

  Others in the room faded around her as Ash protectively cradled her glass in hands that were sweatier than they had been moments ago and watched as she chatted easily with an elderly man Ash didn’t recognize. She hadn’t changed, Ash noticed. Most people alter slightly over the years, subtle changes that prove time cannot—no matter how hard you try—be stemmed. Not her, though. Long black eyelashes still accentuated those beautiful cobalt-blue eyes that Ash once found herself lost in, while her perfect hair tumbled about her face, just as it used to do as a teenager. Despite her reservations, Ash couldn’t tear her eyes away from her. Honey-coloured skin that Ash swore she could still taste, after all these years. Slightly upturned lips that always made her look as though she were smiling, those same lips that Ash had once kissed over and over again. The breath caught in Ash’s throat as a vivid memory struck her, and she hastily looked away, choosing instead to stare resolutely down into her glass, astonished at how she still managed to make her feel. Dismayed that Natalie Braithwaite still had the power to elicit any kind of emotion from her after so many years.

  “Ashley Wells!” A voice beside Ash dissolved her thoughts in a heartbeat. “My God, you’re a blast from the past.”

  “Lisa…” Ash screwed up her eyes, remembering. “Saatchi. Right?”

  “It’s Turner now.” Lisa lifted her left hand and waggled her ring finger, now clad in a wedding band and a ring with a stone in that Ash couldn’t see quickly enough. “Boring, hey? Should have kept my maiden name.”

  Ash smiled.

  “Good turnout.” Lisa lifted her chin to the room.

  Did that require an answer? Ash nodded, adding, “Mm,” just in case it did.

  “When was the last time you saw her?” Lisa asked. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard.”

  Nat? No, of cou
rse not Nat. Ash stole another look across the room. She was still there.

  “Livvy?” Ash’s face clouded. “Six months or so? Not long.”

  “Hard to believe she’s gone,” Lisa said. She lifted a hand to someone standing some way from her. “Not quite thirty-five. Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

  Ash had done nothing but think since she’d taken the phone call two weeks before and heard news she never expected to have to hear. Hours turned into days, and still she hadn’t been able to make sense of why a perfectly fit and healthy thirty-four-year-old should succumb to cancer, or why Livvy had decided to keep her illness to herself. It was inconceivable that it had even happened. Other people got cancer: smokers, drinkers. Not her best friend. Not Livvy.

  “How’s Chloe coping?” Lisa asked.

  Ash followed Lisa’s gaze over towards Livvy’s daughter, standing with Livvy’s mother Judy and two other people Ash didn’t recognize.

  “As well as you’d expect a fourteen-year-old to cope.” Ash shrugged. According to Judy, Chloe had handled the situation with a maturity way beyond her years. At least as far as the outside world could see, anyway.

  “You were as thick as thieves, you three.” Lisa took a drink.

  “Sorry?”

  “You, Livvy, and…what was her name?”

  “Nat.” Ash’s voice sounded thick to her. She cleared her throat. “Nat,” she repeated, clearer this time.

  “Natalie Braithwaite!” Lisa nodded enthusiastically. “That’s right. Posh name for a posh girl. I remember now.”

  Nat’s name burrowed into Ash’s ears and buzzed around inside her brain, like an annoying bee. She’d refused to think it or speak it for years. If Ash pretended Nat didn’t exist, it meant she was finally over her. Those were the rules, and always had been.

  “We all used to be quite jealous of you three.” Lisa laughed. “At school. You know? You were The Untouchables.”

  “Seriously?” Ash looked at Lisa, suddenly willing her to shut up. Or go. Either would do right now.

  “You were all so close. It was sweet.”

  “It was a long time ago now.” Ash smiled, her smile masking her increasing discomfort.

  “Was it Nat that told you about Livvy?” Lisa asked. “She emailed Megan Fairweather. You remember her? Is that still her name? Anyway, she emailed her apparently, and then Megan emailed Sophie, and that’s how I heard.”

  “Nat and I haven’t been in touch for years.” Ash peered down into her empty glass, wishing it still had something left in it to drink. Anything to wash down the lump in her throat. “I heard from someone else.”

  “You don’t speak to Nat any more?” Lisa stared at Ash. “I’m astonished. You two were joined at the hip, weren’t you?”

  “Again”—Ash smiled tightly—“it was all a long time ago.”

  “But you went to university together?”

  “We went our separate ways when we were eighteen.” Ash glared at Lisa. Couldn’t she take the hint? “No biggie.”

  “Well, I’m amazed.” Lisa shook her head. “I always thought—”

  “Like I said,” Ash repeated, annoyance creeping into her tone, “it was no biggie. If you’ll excuse me.” She moved away, making a show of seeking out the drinks, leaving Lisa behind her. Once safely squirreled away in the corner of the room, Ash’s breathing eased. She put down her glass and rubbed her sweaty palms down the sides of her trousers, adjusted the collar of her shirt, then pulled each cuff down tight through the arms of her suit, just for something to do. It was either that, Ash thought, or allow her irrational thoughts of Nat—brought to the fore thanks to Lisa—to engulf her.

  Nat Braithwaite.

  Ash closed her eyes. She had spoken her name in her head again, and the familiarity of it after years of silence was beautiful to her. Even after everything.

  She forced herself to open her eyes, the knot of tension that had been steadily inching its way up her neck, threatening a headache all day, not yet ready to untie itself. If only she could leave now. Ash’s mind took itself back to her hotel and imagined how good it would feel to sink down into her soft bed. Raid the minibar. Catch a few films on some obscure satellite channel. Forget today had ever happened.

  Ash tuned out the chatter in the room and focused on Lisa’s words to her. The Untouchables. Thick as thieves. Joined at the hip. They were all true. Seventeen years ago, Ash, Livvy, and Nat had had the world at their feet, and a great, yawning, fabulous future ahead of them all. They’d never be apart. Virtually from their very first day at school, as naive, wide-eyed eleven-year-olds, they’d forged a bond they knew would never be broken. Strangers to each other in the morning, they’d become firm friends by the time their first school day together had ended. Months later, they’d even sworn on the strength of their bond, one wet and windy day during afternoon break, hidden away from prying eyes behind the science block. Friends forever. Ash ran her thumb across the material of her suit, over the small scar on her forearm hidden underneath, high enough not to be seen under a sleeve, low enough to remind her of the vow they’d all taken. She blinked. So stupid. They’d been so stupid and immature back then. How could they have vowed never to be apart? How could they have known what the future would hold? How could Ash and Nat have ever foreseen that they’d eventually form a bond of their own, with a whole new set of secret vows that even Livvy wasn’t party to?

  As if by some force of their own, Ash’s eyes sought out Nat again. Faces ebbed and flowed about her. Some strangers, some familiar. She dropped her gaze and melted back into the shadows before Nat had the chance to spot her. She’d know she was here, of course, but would she try and seek her out? Ash hoped not; she was here to remember Livvy. To reminisce, supposedly, with school friends. To mourn her oldest friend, rather than opening old wounds after years of trying to heal. Torturing herself over Nat, in the same way she’d done a hundred times in the immediate years after they’d parted.

  Her gaze fell back to Nat. Some wounds, it seemed, still refused to heal.

  ❖

  “How’s it going?”

  “Boy, am I glad to talk to you at last.” Ash sank a shoulder against the frame of the window, gaining comfort from Gabe’s voice. She pulled back the curtain and peered outside. Afternoon had given way to early evening and the pace of the street outside her room was finally slowing down. Commuters had disappeared into the bowels of the Underground, tourists had trudged, weary, back to their respective hotels, shops had pulled down their shutters. The West End of London could—albeit temporarily—breathe a sigh of relief. At least until the theatre-goers emerged in a few hours’ time, anyway.

  “So how was it?” Gabe asked.

  “As expected.” Ash watched a pigeon peck at some chewing gum down on the pavement, hopping from foot to foot as it dodged the odd pedestrian, before resuming its task. “Livvy’s mother was in bits.”

  “Understandable,” Gabe said. “And the daughter?”

  “The same as her grandmother,” Ash replied, “but holding it together.” She paused. “Gabe?”

  “Yuh-huh?”

  “I wish you’d been with me.” Ash let the curtain drop from her hands. The room darkened. “I know you couldn’t come, so don’t think I’m playing the guilt card on you.” She laughed. “Just could have used some of that famous Gabriel Buchanan manly support.”

  “You’re sweet.” Ash heard Gabe make a kissing sound down the phone. “I did offer…”

  “I know.” Ash held her hand up, even though Gabe couldn’t see. “But then you’d have had to cancel trips, and we’d have lost three days’ profits…”

  She looked back into the gloom of her room. To lose three days’ profits, she knew, would be unthinkable. Her mind wandered back down to Cornwall. To home, and to her beloved boat. She’d started her tourist boat business ten years ago, starting slowly, unsure whether it was what she really wanted to do. It had been tough too, in those first few years but she’d dug in and persevered, turning it i
nto the thriving business it was today. The three days away from it that Ash had taken off to come to London for Livvy’s funeral had so far felt like forever.

  “And Aston Grafton from the Preservation Trust would have kicked up a fuss,” Gabe added.

  “Aston Grafton can go screw himself.” Ash walked from the window. “He still owes me some money for last month’s trips.”

  “Good luck with getting that back,” Gabe said.

  “Nat was there today.” Ash sat on the edge of her bed.

  “The Nat?” Gabe laughed. “The same Nat that stole your heart all those years ago, and that you still talk about, even after all this time?”

  “The very same.”

  “Did you talk to her?” Gabe asked.

  “Jeez, no.” Ash frowned. “I totally freaked if I’m honest. I sort of hid from her so I wouldn’t have to speak to her.”

  “Weirdo.”

  “I didn’t want to have to revisit my past,” Ash said defensively. “Not there. Not at Livvy’s send-off.”

  “I guess that could have been awkward…”

  “Ugh. Exes.” Ash shuddered. “Who’d have them, hey?”

  “Chicken, sometimes in life we have to bump into exes,” Gabe said gently. “It’s in the official exes’ handbook, so it must be true.” He paused. “Granted, most people don’t have to wait nearly seventeen years, but…”

  “She’d hardly changed.” God knows, Ash had thought about nothing else in the two hours since she’d left the wake. Her eyes. Her voice, the same but mellower with age. Her beautiful smile. All still had the same mesmerizing effect on Ash that they’d always had. “I kind of wanted her to have, you know?”